Perverse · & · Disorderly

So much has happened since I posted in this journal. Yet, at the same time, I am not willing to go back and explain everything.

Instead, I wish to talk about the 'now'.

The day before yesterday I got upset at Sophie, because I overreacted and panicked over the possibility of losing the chance to speak to her because I accidently fell asleep, and so I went to bed angry and upset.

Last night I got upset at Sophie because she works a lot and therefore is often tired in the evenings, the only time I get to speak to her except when she's not working (on which days she is often busy doing something else for the most part), and so once again I overreacted. My mind started doing to the paranoia thing.

"She doesn't like you, so of course she would rather sleep than speak to you. She's always busy when speaking to you anyway, because you are a second-class citizen in the grand scheme of things. You are not the priority. You never have been, and you never will be. She doesn't ever want to visit you because it is not worth the effort or the hassle, she will not like what you got her for Valentines Day, you are nothing more than a distant friend with sexual benefits."

I just went to sleep crying and thinking, "She doesn't like me."

I wish I hadn't left Milton Keynes.

I wish I hadn't forgotten how horrible this place is.

I wish I weren't so unwanted here.

I wish I weren't so trapped, alone and unloved, in a place I hate.

If it weren't for the little times when I am happy, when I am not arguing, when I am not blaming someone for something, when my family are not displaying utter disgust and hatred towards me.. I would be dead.

I don't want to be alive.

I just don't know how to die.

I don't know how to go about it.

All I can do is hurt myself and make the mental problems worse.

If only I were somewhere where there are no people.

I'm scared to leave the house, I've been putting it off for ages, because I can't see a road without wanting to walk in front of a fast moving vehicle.

I put off making a Doctors appointment,







I just had to stop typing.

My black lace parasol arrived.

EXCELLENT.